Sex-Positive Brownies
My glorious fellow human beings! I hope you are all staying safe and well. I’m socially distancing at my parents’ house with my sibs and some shih tzus, where we have been baking with reckless abandon depending on whatever ingredients can we can find/have in the house. In light of that, I wanted to share the simplest recipe among all of the truly and unrepentantly convoluted ones I invented during 5am writing sprints while writing Tweet Cute, and that is Paige’s Sex-Positive Brownies (formerly known as Slutty Brownies. Or jointly known, really. Choose your own adventure!!).
And this recipe is extremely choose your own adventure, in that you only need three “main” things — a cookie dough layer, an Oreo layer, and a brownie layer. And in light of quarantining (and not obliterating my parents’ kitchen), we made ours completely from prepackaged mixes.
Here is what you need to assemble your own:
A prepackaged cookie mix/and or dough of your choice (ours was Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cuz we found a mix at the bottom of the pantry, sry @ whomstever was saving it)
Oreos
A prepackaged brownie mix
A complete disregard for the ever-looming threat of salmonella poisoning*
**If you ARE worried ‘bout underbaked goods or are plain outta eggs, here are some handy swap outs like applesauce and baking soda with vinegar, both of which I’ve tried!)
Your instructions are to first preheat your oven to 375 degrees, then open up Spotify to blast Taylor Swift. (Selections from Red are particularly important to maintain dessert’s texture/guarantee even distribution of heat, according to science.) Then assemble your cookie mix/dough of your choice, and press it into the bottom of any well-oiled pan. We chose two round cake pans, but you could do it with any size, really — just have a place to put the leftover batter if you pick a small one (by “place” I do, of course, mean your stomach).
After you’ve packed the cookie dough a third of the way up the pan, lightly place as many Oreos as you can fit on top of it. We picked regular Oreos, but this would also taste very good with peanut butter or golden Oreos. (TBH, if you’re not a fan of Oreos — which first of all, how dare you — you can do this layer with Reese’s instead.)
If you’re feeling reeeal extra (my evergreen state of being), you can chop up some Rolos or other caramel-y candies in the lil spaces between the Oreos. (All space in the space-time-dessert continuum should be regarded as an opportunity to create more dessert.)
After that, assemble your brownie batter, then indiscriminately glop it on top of your Oreos, filling in every nook and cranny. Don’t fill it all the way to the tippy top, or it will def spill over in your oven faster like a sexy brownie blob (not that we don’t stan a hot mess).
After that, you have one of two options: put your creation in the oven and set a timer for 32 minutes, or be a lawless brownie batter-guzzling, cookie dough-gobbling, salmonella-reaping monster and set it to 20 minutes. If you do the former, it will bake beautifully, and when you flip the pan over it will look like this.
To be clear, this one was my sister Lily’s. She is good at stuff.
If you do the latter, you’ll end up with a glorious half-baked Oreo cookie brownie glop that you can shell out with a big ole spoon (do not flip it out unless you are specifically looking to breed chaos, in which case, FLIP AWAY). My advice if you go for the underbaked route is to put it in the fridge so you can cut your pieces out neatly later, at which point they will look like this.
SHE IS BEAUTY! SHE IS GRACE! (she was stuffed into my face!!)
Other ideas to improve this big ole glop ‘o dessert:
Lightly salt it on top
Put some peanut butter on top of it
Fill the cookie dough with caramel M&Ms
For the holidays, using peppermint bark Oreos
Swap out Reese’s for Oreos — or put in both and stack ‘em on top of each other!! Live dangerously!!!
Pose awkwardly in your parents’ kitchen and make your sister take a picture of you as your hands lightly burn from touching a very hot pan —>
STAY SAFE AND FULL OF DESSERT, MY FRIENDS!! See y’all on the internet.
(Psst — you can also check out the recipe for Monster Cake here.)